"Let your reasonableness be known to everyone."
Philippians 4:5
"Like a city whose walls are broken through
is a person who lacks self-control."
Proverbs 25:28
Our Control
I always associate the words 'self-control' and 'gentleness' as two words that go hand-in-hand. I feel like they're inseparable, because the one cannot quite exist without the other.
Gentleness is an immediate effect of self-control. Of course it depends in what regard you're addressing 'self-control'.
In Philippians 4:5, Paul's use of the word 'gentleness' is interchangeable with 'reasonableness'. In certain passages, gentleness is also understood as 'humility'. In many ways, the quality of gentleness indicates a readiness to respond to the teaching of the Holy Spirit - the opposite of pride and having an unteachable spirit.
Growing up, I was involved in many sports that focused on a gentle, self-controlled approach. Gymnastics and ballet allowed me to understand my body and its incredible capabilities. Most people would not consider ballet an 'aggressive' sport. However, ballet taught me that you can get lost 'in the moment' - to 'lose control', in a controlled kind of way.
Looking back, my mother (who was a dancer) was the complete antithesis to my father. Through my father's behaviour, I came to see self-control as an unattainable virtue. His lack of self-control resulted in a very difficult and hostile environment. And so I find myself wrestling with these two fruits, because I feel like they've had a hold over me.
Often in my life, I clung to the thought that I wasn't manly enough. After all, I did not conform to the archetypal idea of man as the brute and driving force of the family - the one everyone has to listen to and obey.
Early on, I decided that I would never want to be unteachable and wanted to learn to control myself as best as possible. This led me to doing various sports, as well as learning different techniques to control the body and mind. Admittedly, some of them led me far away from God.
Today, I see so many people who are yearning for control. They are scared to let go, because they experience too much hurt whenever they gave up control.
As a Christian, I have learned (and I'm still learning) to hand over my desire for control to God. Paradoxically, it is the moment you give up control that you experience true self-control. There is this beautiful saying that you cannot receive something until you open your hands and let go of what you're holding on to.
God calls us to surrender everything. In turn, He will fill us up with everything we need.
I love how Proverbs 25:28 speaks about self-control. Now self-control is not about being in control. It is about controlling oneself in any and every circumstance. Like I mentioned before, self-control relates to different things. It could be self-control from greed, sexual desire, or some form of addiction.
We've just come out of the Christmas season. How often do you find yourself eating more than you possibly should?
We've just come out of the Christmas season. How often do you find yourself eating more than you possibly should?
Netflix. That's one of my personal struggles. How often do you just click 'Next episode'?
Social Media. How much time do you really spend staring at pictures, videos and the likes? No really. How much time do you spend? I'm certainly guilty of spending more time than I should.
Alcohol. How many drinks are too many?
These are just a few items on the list. We all have our personal battles. And the devil always devises new ways to nudge us into a trap, where we fall prey to our innate lack of self-control.
Holy Control
This is why we need the Holy Spirit. It is only God who can truly help us. When it comes to anger, for example, I find myself giving in, because it's easier to just tear walls down, than building them up.
It is here where I encounter God's grace the most. For I carry the burden of generations that perpetuated a certain approach to anger and violence. More and more I realise that I'm responsible for my household and its protection (i.e. the city's walls). My lack of self-control will be the undoing of that responsibility. It is all the more important to desire the fruit of the Holy Spirit above all - to drink from God's well and be filled with His living water on a daily basis.
Of course, this is a journey and each one of us stumbles. Fortunately, God's mercies are new every morning. We can come clean, repent and start again.
However, there are times when our lack of self-control can also hurt the ones we love the most. If you're a person who has experienced that, then I can only encourage you to seek forgiveness. To be honest, it's something I'm still dealing with, but God's forgiveness covers a multitude of sins. Without His forgiveness, where would we be?
Just look at the world: we find ourselves with people in power who don't understand self-control. I'm thinking about a certain president who has used social media in an unfiltered manner to cause all kinds of havoc. With the world at our fingertips through social media, it is clear that we have dug too deep and unleashed a monster that is terribly difficult to contain.
Yes, there are many benefits of being connected so easily to millions of people. But in this case, I also find myself struggling with the self-control issue. There are many moments when I'm tempted to write something I shouldn't write on a Facebook/Twitter/Instagram post.
I have to remind myself and ask: 'Is it helpful what I'm writing? Does it build up or tear down?'
'Am I too proud to hold on to my opinion?'
'Am I just fuelling a spirit of complaint?'
Which brings us to 'gentleness'...
Gentle Jesus, Meek and Mild
Jesus, being God, is all-powerful. Too often in history, Jesus has been portrayed as a feeble and weak character. 'Gentleness' does not imply 'powerlessness'. On the contrary!
Here is an excerpt I found too good not to share:
"Every person is powerful. We can speak words that influence others; we can act in ways that help or hurt; and we can choose what influences will inform our words and actions. Gentleness constrains and channels that power. To be gentle is to recognize that God’s ways and thoughts are high above our own (Isaiah 55:9). It is to humbly realize that our worldviews are shaped by exposure to sin and the misinterpretation of experience. It is to accept God’s worldview, reflecting truth about the spiritual and the material worlds." (Robert Gobelet)'Gentleness' is the art of withholding power to achieve an ultimately better result. What's my proof?
Being a parent, I'm on this crazy learning curve, teaching myself to unlearn bad behaviour I've picked up since childhood. After all, adults are just grown-up children.
With our son, we see how 'gentleness' needs to be applied. It is a balancing act between self-control and gentleness, because there are moments when he drives us up the walls. But he's so young and we tend to hold on to unreasonable expectations. Out of anger or frustration, we will scold him. And he's now at an age where he understands that we're disappointed or upset with him.
He's a strong little boy and he has no awareness of how noisy or strong he can be. For example, when he closes or opens the door, he will bang it shut/open. In turn, I tell him to 'please use gentle hands'. Or when he is carrying glasses to the table.
He will run around the flat, and (in the evenings) I have to ask him to walk, in order for our downstairs neighbour not to get annoyed with us. Understandably, he's a boy and already has this raw power and energy that needs to be expelled.
Most importantly, however, is that he listens to us and our instruction. If there's one thing being a father has taught me, it is that God's patience with me is unexplainable. If I were God, I wouldn't have that much patience. (It's a good thing I'm not God.)
The point is this: I want my son to listen to me, because I have had some experience. Naturally, he has to make mistakes and learn from them himself. But there are some things, like the general treatment of doors and glasses, where following my instruction is essential. (Otherwise, you just end up with broken glass everywhere all the time.)
In the same way, God has sent His Spirit to make us aware of important matters and to live a 'higher way'. Being obedient to the Father and trusting His guidance is essential to living a fruitful Christian life. Coming before Him with humility and listening to Him will only help us grow.
God's Gentle Control
God is in control. There's no doubt about it!
Even now, while the world is living through a tumultuous time, it is Jesus who is sitting on the throne and He has the last word.
It was Jesus who faced the worst death imaginable. He could have used His power, but He chose to lay down His weapons, for He knew that what He would do, would disarm His enemy forever. It truly is a mystery, but it is the most reasonable hope we have to hold on to.
Jesus is a Gentle-Man, for He knocks on your door and waits for your response. Will you let Him in and allow His Spirit to change you from the inside out?
In Revelation, John sees Jesus as the Lamb of God. I have always loved the stark contrast between the Lion/Lamb imagery. Only a fool would think that God is powerless. In the wilderness, Jesus chose self-control to demonstrate that He is faithful to His father. He was tempted, yet remained unimpressed. He chose to gently walk in God's higher ways and trust God's sovereign understanding.
This is our solace for 2021: to rest in God's peace that surpasses all understanding.
Let's work on becoming gentle, teachable disciples of Jesus with a discerning heart and mind. Let's practice more self-control than ever before by inviting the Holy Spirit to guide our choices and decisions.
The God of the beginning (the Alpha) is also the God of all endings (the Omega). He's still writing His story and allowing us to participate in it.
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